Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
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she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
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You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
i need some magic done to my vagina
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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