dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
