I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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