I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
two words: eviction party
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
