I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
