Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
