it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
