I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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