Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
