I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
