im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
