Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
