My friends, they love my intelligence
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
