i need an iv and a liver transplant
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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