Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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