dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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