I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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