Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
