singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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