The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
