a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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