Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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