I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
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The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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