Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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