Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
