New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
