you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
