The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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