Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
