No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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