Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
