Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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