just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize