I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
