Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
