he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
