whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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