I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
