He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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