Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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