I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
