I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
