Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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