I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
