you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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