Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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