I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
