you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
