i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
