my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
