1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i think my cat just said my name.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
