Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
