Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
