If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
did i just pee glitter
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
