You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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