You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
