Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
